My Fitness

Monday, August 28, 2017

preaching myself out of gloom update with conclusion

If I may be permitted to be real and raw, I'll share my inner heart's fears with you. On the verge of blasphemy and sin, but with the hope that I will, if permitted and if you read to completion, encourage and restore both the reader and myself.
If a man known as "after God's own heart" can have doubts and fears, then I do not fear letting mine be known as well. Even in Jesus' interactions with people during his ministry he didn't demand perfect belief. He valued honesty and when a father asked for compassion and help, the father said, "Help my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24) and Jesus helped him. He didn't chastise and mock him or treat him disdainfully. He had compassion on him just as usual.

I have this fear of jinxing my outcome. I think that maybe I was supposed to write something here and not there, or maybe it was the other way around. I can't be sure because it's completely made-up. I fear punishment for not following unspoken commands. Being able to articulate the fear allows me to kill it. I cannot jinx God nor can I cast a spell or recite an incantation that will give me my desired outcome.

Instead I must remember that trust in God includes trust in his timing. I've allowed him to time my children and space them to his perfect will. Then why now do I start to doubt? Pain. Discomfort. Darkness.

I must remember that we pray "Your kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven." And that means His way, not my way.

I must remember to not doubt in this darkness what he has told my in the light.

I must remember that he loves me. Specifically me.

I must remember that he is holding me. Individually me.

I must remember that even in the midst of discomfort, pain, and death that He is being merciful and gracious. These truths are not dependent on my experience nor my feelings.

I must trust God more than my own feelings since my feelings are fickle and deceptive.

I must remember that Christ died for me and has carved me into his palms. Definitively and singularly me.

I must remember that he does not see me as one of many but as Lauren, his daughter who he desires to have a close and personal relationship with.

I must remember that he cares for me.

He cares for me.

He collects my tears. He feels my tears.

And so I keep my eyes on the only One who can keep me from drowning. I set my mind on things above. I remind myself to seek the things of the Kingdom of God: steadfastness, gentleness, love, peace, joy, patience.

I preach to myself tonight. Galatians 6:8-9: "...but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up." It is good to wait on the Lord. It is good to pray continuously. It is good to continue to pray and ask God for the desires of my heart until they are granted. And so tomorrow I fast. I cannot fast from food so I will fast from my computer and cell for 24 hours or until I have a baby. You will not be able to get ahold of me. I will only use my cell to call the midwife and Felipe. My hope is to seek the Lord, petition the Lord, and glorify the Lord. I will worship and pray and meditate.

I'll see you Wednesday.

It is Wednesday. I went into the fast knowing I would come out changed. I'd either have a baby or changed spirit. I am very happy to say that my spirit is changed. I look back at the gloom I felt with amazement. Perhaps it was the onset of a cold that had my body too worn or perhaps my gloom was a spiritual attack. I don't know. But the joy I have now is real despite the cold that I have.

There's nothing I can do about waiting for labor to start. My personal take-away is that God cares about his glory more than I do, so why worry about his timing? I thought it would be worshipful to have a baby early for a change. Nature has decided that my babies come 1-2 weeks late. I have several reasons for wanting an August baby, but with that deadline quickly approaching and labor starting and slowing yet again, it looks bleak.

Sometimes Lazarus stays in the tomb and sometimes the blind do not receive sight. Who am I to question? Not that I was questioning so much as begging for an early deliverance.

My take-away for you is this: When someone asks for prayer, you do not need to understand. You do not need the details. When someone asks for prayer, they are not asking for counseling and they are definitely not asking for you to tell them how stupid their request was. Only prayer. That's all. If God is able to grant you salvation, how much easier is it for him to grant an early birth? Is your God so small? Don't think this is being voiced in a condemning way. I'm not hurt or offended. My desire is to help the reader understand that godly love does not say "pray without ceasing as long as you understand and have made your opinion known." This is a lesson that I have learned the hard way over the years and one that if you read with humility then you will be able to learn quickly.

I'm going to go battle this mild head cold with some sleep and hope that labor picks up. I've not given up on August. I'm uncomfortable and now sick and sleepy. But it's all good. There's more preaching to be done.

Based on Daniel 3:18

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