My Fitness

Thursday, June 2, 2016

my calendar said no events

My calendar said I had no events for the day. I even Instagrammed a screenshot of my "no events" day and joked about not getting dressed today.

But I feel like I've been going non-stop with this uneventful day.

First someone peed all over me. These people have beds of their own. Why don't they use them? I even bribe them with candy if they would simply sleep in their own beds. But then I suppose they wouldn't be able to wake me at 4am covered in urine. Ah, motherhood.

So I showered. nbd.

(I still need to change the sheets.)

I went back to sleep. I slept late. Last night I ate a lot of junk food and whenever I do that I can't handle the next day; it's like a carb-hangover. My head hurts, I'm irritable, and I'm lethargic.

I try to teach my kids some math. My four year old insists he can't count to 20. He doesn't know what comes next. He says he doesn't know the rules. If he were counting how many M&Ms he could eat, he'd be able to count to 20.

My six year old won't stop sitting on the table. And he won't stop touching everything. I mean everything: even food. My food. My drink. Not just my cup, mind you; he has to stick his finger in my liquid. WHY?!?! It's like a compulsion. Similar to his compulsion to get bird poop on himself on a regular basis. Just stay out of the coop and you'll be a lot less likely to get feces on you. He gets multiple baths and showers a day. He's changed his clothes 2-3x today, I lost track.

My two year old is some kind of Xena Warrior Princess. Last night she insisted on watching Pride & Prejudice & Zombies with me. She got so excited when the fighting began and jumped and kicked and slashed her way through the zombies. She woke up screaming last night and when I asked her what her nightmare was about she said it was her clothes. She didn't want to wear clothes and thought that she was. Nothing about zombies. When I tried to get her to count to 4 she kept skipping 3. When I had her count M&Ms, magically all four numerals were accounted for. M&Ms are magic, you guys.

Meanwhile, my 8 month old...wait, is it eight? (Sept, Oct, Nov, Dec, Jan, Feb, Mar, Apr, May, Jun) Yep, 8.5 even. Wow. So she's 8 months old and is trying to walk everywhere. She's very cute. She always smells amazing. She always wants to eat. And sleep. And play. And be all up in your business when you just want to drink your water in peace. And she wants to eat bugs. And dead things. And suck on cords. And chew dirt. How is she still alive?!

So speaking of dead things...our hermit crab went missing. He was a jerk. He killed his mate to get his shell. I usually checked on him when I fed Raymond, our betta fish who lives a foot away from him. Earlier this week Micah, my 4 year old who only counts M&Ms to 20, informed me that he couldn't find the crab and that he thinks he climbed the fake tree and escaped. So we cleaned the already very clean room trying to find the poor little murderer. I looked behind the chest of drawers and saw his tiny orange shell wedged against the wall. But alas, the shell was empty. Gasp! Where could he be? I think this is what happened:
My name is Ishbosheth. These giant apes who kidnapped me only refer to me as "the hermit crab" and stuck me in this tiny cell with Bartholomew the Saint who selfishly wouldn't give me his shell when I wanted it. He eventually let me have it after I killed him. I tried to escape after that while I was still in the Apes's kitchen, but I fell in the sink and couldn't make it down the drain under the garbage disposal before they "rescued" me. I hung out by the bonsai for awhile before they bought Raymond. Raymond is an easy going, care-free mooching betta fish who swims around arrogantly showing off his absolutely amazing red fins. I can't lie. He's beautiful. I hate him. He lives a foot away from me on the wall now in Little Ape's bedroom. He gets to swim and he gets a name. I get to be alone because I killed my mate. I know we're suppose to be social. I miss Bartholomew. Why didn't he just give me his shell? This is all his fault. I'm going to break out of here. This place is stupid. I know that if I can break free from my prison, and escape back to the mall, everything will be fine. The mall is on the other side of the car door. Just shut the door and open it again and I'm back. Step 1: climb the tree in the dark and crawl toward the door. [I heard this part in retrospect but thought it was my bearded dragon walking around his cage. It was not.] Step 2: shoot. I fell down this tight cliff. And I'm stuck. I hate this shell anyway. It reminds me of stupid Saint Bartholomew. Forget it. I'll dump the shell. I'll go against all internal instincts and go shell-less. I killed a fellow crab when I'm supposed to be social and I'm going shell-less when I'm supposed to always have a shell. I may be crazy. [He's insane.] Step 3: run around trying to find the mall. I can't see anything in the dark. Step 4: wander over 30 feet without a shell and yep, I just died. 
So he looks just like a toy curled up in the far corner of the adjacent room. I wonder what he was thinking about as he died. Probably, "I shouldn't have been so evil to Bartholomew. Maybe now his face will stop haunting me. Maybe now I can finally be at peace at the giant mall in the sky."

Zoe found him. She put him down as soon as I told her to put him down. Good baby. So gross though.

Then we played with my new tortoises. I found a couple of tortoises for sale and I really wanted them. I talked the guy down to $100 but Felipe was still anti-more pets. So I up and sold Eddie. Eddie was not too much fun. I got the feeling he wasn't happy with me. I wasn't happy with him. For being a DRAGON he was pretty lame: no fire breathing and no flying. I was disappoint. I even made him a motivational poster but it didn't seem to help. Eddie Lizard went to live with someone who has a lot more reptiles and lizards and I think they will be much more happy with him and he with them. And the $100 I got for him I turned around and gave to Richard.

   


And that is how The Doctor and Rose came to live with us.

When I told Felipe their new names, all he said was, "Of course." They have a TARDIS log. It looks like they walk under it but really they're going on adventures and saving aliens and planets. Maybe The Doctor and Rose will have babies. They seem happy. My kids drew tortoise pictures for the couple. That made me happy. Micah's tortoise was a rainbow tortoise. Caleb's tortoise was playing the trumpet.

And then...

Caleb came inside the house from the garage and tells me that the chicks have escaped. "The chickens?!" "Nooooo! The chicks!" So I go out to the garage and sure enough there are only 4 of 9 chicks in the pen still. The ceiling wire has fallen and the babies are looking around curiously. I don't know how much or if at all Caleb helped the chicks escape. He denies being responsible and I'm sure if he had any hand in it, it was an accident. We quickly fixed the coop out back and got the chicks outside. I figure this was their creative, inter-species way of telling us they were getting too big for the pen. We chased the chicks around the garage quite a bit and the garage is so messy now! Ha! We must have been quite the sight. I wish we had a camera!

update: the baby chicks are alive and well weeks later in the backyard.

Also we sent our ducks on their way. With all the birds in the backyard the pecking order was getting a bit much. My friend has an amazing pond in her backyard and the ducks seem much happier there. Our decision was blessed with a full rainbow when we returned.




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